S2;E24
~ March 2, 1970

Directed
by Jay Sandrich ~ Written by Lou Derman and Larry Rhine

Synopsis

Lucy’s
old friend Carol Krausmeyer (Carol Burnett) has entered a secretary
beauty pageant. In a competitive mood, Lucy puts aside her
reservations and enters the contest too!

Regular
Cast

Lucille
Ball (Lucy
Carter), Gale
Gordon (Harrison
Otis Carter), Desi
Arnaz Jr. (Craig
Carter), Lucie
Arnaz (Kim
Carter)

Guest
Cast

Carol
Burnett
(Carol Krausmeyer) got her first big break on “The Paul Winchell
Show” in 1955. A years later she was a regular on “The Garry
Moore Show.” In 1959 she made her Broadway debut in Once
Upon a Mattress,
which she also appeared in on television three times. From 1960 to
1965 she did a number of TV specials, and often appeared with Julie
Andrews. Her second Broadway musical was Fade
Out – Fade In which
ran for more than 270 performances. From 1967 to 1978 she hosted her
own highly successful variety show, “The Carol Burnett Show.”
Lucille Ball made several appearances on “The Carol Burnett Show.”
Burnett guest starred in four episodes of “The Lucy Show” and
three episodes of “Here’s Lucy,” only once playing herself.
After Lucille Ball’s passing, Burnett was hailed as the natural
heir to Lucy’s title of ‘The Queen of TV Comedy.’

Robert
Alda
(Himself) originated
the role of Sky Masterson in Broadway’s Guys
and Dolls,
winning the 1951 Tony Award. He is the father of Alan Alda of
“M*A*S*H” fame. He made one appearance on the “The Lucy Show,”
and this is the first of his three episodes of “Here’s Lucy.”
The next time he guest stars will be when “Lucy Goes Hawaiian” Part One and Part Two. Alda died in 1986.

Buddy
Lewis
(Cafeteria Customer) makes the first of his three appearances on
“Here’s Lucy.”  

Vanda
Barra (Cafeteria
Cashier) was
married to Sid Gould so is Lucille Ball’s cousin-in-law. This is
just one of her over two dozen appearances on “Here’s Lucy” as
well as appearing in Ball’s two 1975 TV movies “Lucy Gets Lucky”
(with Dean Martin) and “Three for Two” (with Jackie Gleason). She
was seen in half a dozen episodes of “The Lucy Show.”

Barra
has no lines, but a very funny bit of business with her cash
register.

Harvey
Stone (Cafeteria
Chef) was
born just three weeks after Lucille Ball in 1911. He had appeared in
two plays at New Jersey’s Paper Mill Playhouse in 1968. This is the
second of his two appearances on the series, both directed by Jay
Sandrich. In 1974 Stone died of a heart attack while performing on a
cruise ship and was buried at sea.

Stone
receives screen credit, but has no lines or business; he merely mills
about in the background of the cafeteria. Since there is a quite
noticeably edit in the scene, his contribution may have been cut for
time.

Sid
Gould
(Contest Stage Hand) made
more than 45 appearances on “The Lucy Show,” and nearly as many
on “Here’s Lucy.” Gould (born Sydney Greenfader) was Lucille
Ball’s cousin by marriage to Gary Morton.

Francine
Pyne
(Miss ‘Al’s Bail Bonds’) makes the final of her nine screen
appearances with this episode.

Pyne
is the only contestant that Robert Alda does not address by name.

Lavelle
Roby
(Lavelle Roby, Miss ‘Cohn’s Kosher Kitchen’) makes her only series
appearance in a career with nearly 50 screen credits.  

In
the talent portion of the contest, Roby (briefly) plays the upright
bass. 

In the first draft of the script (before casting) she was referred to as Wilma Jones.

Tonia
Izu
(Tonia Izu, ‘Miss Joe’s Body Shop’) makes her only screen appearance
with this episode.

In
the contest, she gives the “What America Means to Me” recitation.
She is the only contestant to speak dialogue. In the first draft of the script (before casting) she was referred to as Ching Soo. 

Other
cafeteria employees and customers and the audience at the Miss
Secretary Beautiful Contest are played by uncredited background
performers.

Although unheard of today, the idea of corporate beauty contests was not unheard of in mid-20th century America. Mainly comprised of secretarial pools, female employees competed for trophies and community recognition at a variety of large companies. 

When announcing their contest for Miss Sperry (electronics) in 1958, a representative enthused, “Who knows, she may win the Miss America title!”

The Miss Rheingold (beer) competition reported that 800 contestants had entered, “including a number of Negro models, three of whom lasted until the final eliminations.”  In 1971, a year after this episode first aired, the Miss America Pageant had its first black contestant, but it would’t have a black winner until 1984 when Vanessa Williams was crowned.

This
is the final episode of season two and the last episode directed by
Jay Sandrich. The season ended with the show #6 in the Nielsen
Ratings with a 23.9 share, up slightly from season one. The First Draft of the Script was dated October 22, 1969. The Final Draft of the script was dated November 18, 1969. 

There are several alternate titles of this episode: “Lucy and Carol Burnett,” “Lucy and Carol Burnett: Part 2,” and “Secretary Beautiful.”  Burnett appeared during season one in an episode which was also titled “Lucy and Carol Burnett.” Burnett will also appear during season three when the episode will again be titled “Lucy and Carol Burnett.” Clearly writing clever titles was not a high priority!

This episode was originally written with film star Don Ameche in mind to play the contest judge. Earlier in 1970, Ameche had appeared on “Julia” and “Petticoat Junction.” The script was revised when the role was recast with Ross Martin, who had just finished a long run on “The Wild, Wild West.”  

But that was short-lived. Presumably Martin was not available or declined the role. He went on, however, to perform in two season three episodes of “Here’s Lucy.” The role eventually went to Robert Alda. 

This
episode first aired on Desi Arnaz Sr.’s 53rd birthday. He was now re-married to Edith Mack Hirsch and making occasional appearances on talk and variety programs. 

Later that night, a new episode of “The Carol Burnett
Show” aired on CBS which was written by Bob Schiller and Bob
Weiskopf, two of the writers of “I Love Lucy” and “The Lucy
Show.”  The sketches included a salute to Universal Studios guest-starring Jane Connell, who would play Gooch in Lucy’s Mame in 1974.  

Krausmeyer
is the same last name as the music teacher played by Hans Conried on
Lucille Ball’s radio show
“My
Favorite Husband.”

The
scene in the cafeteria opens with the musical theme from “The Carol
Burnett Show” titled “I’m
So Glad We Had This Time Together” written
by Joe Hamilton, who was married to Burnett from 1963 to 1984. 

Carol
Krausmeyer says she used to work as a secretary for “zippy
old Zimmerman, the wolf of Wilshire Boulevard.”  Harry
Zimmerman
was the musical director of “The Carol Burnett Show.”

When
Lucy compares beauty contests to horse shows, Carol sarcastically
says “Well
comb out my tail and call me Mr. Ed.”  Probably the most famous horse on television, “Mr.
Ed” was a show about a talking palomino that aired from 1958 to
1966 on CBS. It was shot at the same studio as “Here’s Lucy.”  

Kim
quickly mentions that Rodney Dawson asked her out. In “Lucy and
the Bogie Affair” (S2;E13) Kim
promises to go the prom and the spring formal with Freddy Dawson (who
she calls “the creature from the Black Lagoon”).
The surname Dawson
has been used in both “The Lucy Show” and “I Love Lucy,” when
young Peggy Dawson (Janet Waldo, above) had a teenage crush on Ricky in “The
Young Fans” (ILL S1;E20).

The
show takes a surreal turn when Lucy hears the condescending voice of
Carol (as well as her cackling laughter) in her head while at home
talking to her children about the pageant.

When
Harry sees Lucy balancing the telephone book on her head, he says
“Well,
Miss America.”
No episode about a beauty contest would be complete without a
mention of The
Miss America Pageant,
a beauty (now scholarship) pageant that was first held in 1921 and
continues today. Later, Robert Alda mentions Bert
Parks
(1914-92, inset photo), a singer and TV personality who hosted the
Miss American Pageant from 1955 to 1979. In 1970, Cheryl
Browne became the first African-American woman to compete for the
Miss America title.

Harry
brags the he directed all of his college musicals – “a
dozen of them, at least!” He
then
instructs Lucy on the finer points of walking like a beauty queen “as
if you’re wading through a sea of whipped cream.”
As Harry struts and poses, the soundtrack plays “A
Pretty Girl Is Like A Melody.”
The  song was first heard on “I Love Lucy” when Lucy Ricardo,
dressed in an over-sized headpiece, clumsily played a showgirl in
“Lucy Gets Into Pictures” (ILL S4;E18). It
was written by Irving Berlin in 1919 and became the theme song of
Broadway’s long-running Ziegfeld
Follies.
However, the tune was not included in the 1946 MGM film Ziegfeld
Follies,
which starred Lucille Ball. Instead, it ended up in Paramount’s
Blue
Skies
starring
Fred Astaire, also in 1946. During season one, Lucy would do an impromptu
fashion show to the song in
“Lucy’s Working Daughter” (S1;E10).  

When Carol catches Harry demonstrating the ‘beauty pageant walk’ she kids him by saying “Don’t look now, but your seams are crooked.” Harry takes a quick glance at the back of his trousers, snarls at Carol and leaves. Before the advent of pantyhose, nylon stockings would often have a seam that ran up the back of a leg.  A woman wanting to look her best would always assure those seams were perfectly straight!  Seamless stockings had been around since the 1920s, but were costly. During wartime, when nylon was in short supply, women would often draw the seams on the back of their bare legs. 

Throughout the episode, Lucille Ball is obviously delighted and amused by Carol Burnett’s performance. 

In order to find out what kind of women Robert Alda likes, Carol disguises herself as flower child reporter ‘Penny Pritchard’ from “Anti-Everything Magazine.” During her interview with Alda, she continually refers to the female contestants as ‘dolls’. This is probably intentional in order to remind us of Alda’s Tony-winning role as Sky Masterson in the hit Broadway musical Guys and Dolls (1951).  

To spy on Carol and Alda, Lucy disguises herself as a
charwoman,
one who is the spitting image of the character Carol Burnett often
played on her television show and was eventually animated for the
show’s opening credit sequence. When Carol asks how Lucy thought up
such a goofy outfit, Lucy replies “from
some goofy dame on TV.” Carol
says
“Well, she must be some kind of nut!”

About
Lucy’s figure, Carol says “Compared
to you, Tiny Tim looks like Raquel Welch.”  Tiny
Tim was
a thin, stringy-haired singer who found fame on “Rowan and Martin’s
Laugh-In” and is most famous for his song “Tiptoe Through the
Tulips.”  By contrast, Raquel
Welch
was a voluptuous, sexy movie star.  Welch was previously mentioned on
“Lucy and Johnny Carson” (S2;E11) and as Jack
Benny’s Palm Spring neighbor in the second
episode
of
the series.  

Lucy snidely says Carol won a Yogi Berra look-alike contest. Yogi
Berra
(1925-2015) was
a professional baseball
catcher,
who later became a manager
and
coach.
Berra was NOT known for his movie star good looks.  

In
the contest, Carol wears a sash that reads “Horton, Dorton, Gorton,
Norton [on the back] and Morton.”  Morton
was Lucille Ball’s married name from her 1961 wedding to Gary Morton,
who is also a “Here’s Lucy” producer. Lucy’s sash simply says
“Carter Co.” probably because “Unique Employment Agency” was
too long for the sash and the gag of continuing the name on the
reverse was given to Carol. To add to the comedy, Lucy loses a heel
on her entrance – which she uses to stop Carol’s condescending laughter! 

In
her “What America Means to Me” recitation in front of a large
map, Carol says “We
acquired Alaska because of her blubber and Hawaii because of Don Ho.”
Don
Ho
(1930-2007) was a Hawaiian singer and TV personality who is best
known for singing “Tiny Bubbles,” a song that Craig (Desi Arnaz
Jr.) will sing in Ho’s inimitable style when Lucy Carter cruises to
Hawaii in 1971. 

In
her recitation about Christopher Columbus, Lucy says that he “sailed
to America on three ships: the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Anita.”
Of
course, she means to say Santa Maria, but Carol has just dashed her
index cards to the floor so she is flustered. Santa
Anita
is a racetrack in Southern California. It was first mentioned by Fred
(William Frawley) in “Ricky Minds the Baby” (ILL S3;E14) in 1954. 

LUCY CARTER: “Columbus got his funding from the trip from Queen Ferdinand. No, no, no. I think the queen was Isabella. I’m not sure about Ferdinand.” 

Blathering on, Lucy says that if Columbus had not
discovered America we wouldn’t have CBS,
the Columbus Broadcasting System!  Of course, she means the Columbia
Broadcasting
System, the network that aired all of Lucille Ball’s sitcoms before 1980. It
seems Lucy has turned into a regular Mrs. Malaprop!

In
the talent portion of the contest, Carol does the “Tarzan
Yell” that
Burnett made famous on her TV show. Burnett did the yell when she
first appeared on “The Lucy Show.”  Lucy’s talent (of course) is
playing the saxophone,
something Lucille Ball learned during “I Love Lucy.”  Usually,
when called upon to play the saxophone, Lucille Ball either plays
“Sweet Sue” or “Glow Worm,” but for the first time she
(tentatively) plays “Little
Brown Jug,”
a
song written in
1869 by Joseph Eastburn Winner.
It
earns a round of applause from the studio audience, who realize that
Ball is actually playing the instrument, not miming.

SPOILER
ALERT!
The contest ends in a tie. To find out between who – you’ll have to watch the episode! The first
prize is a new electric typewriter!   

The Miss America Pageant was first mentioned by Lucy Ricardo while trying to think of a way of getting Ricky’s name in the papers during “The Publicity Agent” (ILL S1;E31) in 1952:  

ETHEL MERTZ:  “How about letting Ricky win a title like Miss America?”
LUCY RICARDO: “He doesn’t have the right measurements.”  

Instead, she pretends to be the Maharincess of Franistan! 

The Miss America Pageant is mentioned again when Ethel tries to bolster Lucy’s sagging ego after hearing “Ricky’s Old Girlfriend” (ILL S3;E12) is in town.

ETHEL MERTZ: “Frankly, I can’t understand why you were never chosen Miss America.” 

Ricky and Fred are scheduled to judge a beauty contest in “Desert Island” (ILL S6;E8) until Lucy schemes to keep them safely away – or so she thinks! 

RICKY RICARDO: “What time is it, Fred?”
FRED MERTZ: “It’s half-past bathing beauty!” 

FAST FORWARD! 

Carol Krausmeyer returns in a season 3 episode that has the pair putting on a movie-themed revue to help unemployed actors. 

In “The Not-So-Popular Mechanics” (S5;E22), Harry drools over his vintage Rolls Royce. 

LUCY CARTER: “I haven’t seen that expression on his face since he judged the Miss Borego Springs beauty contest.”  

Where
the Floor Ends!
In the office scene, the camera pulls out too far and we can see
where the Unique Employment Agency carpet ends and becomes concrete
soundstage floor.

Choppy Edit!  In
the cafeteria scene, when Lucy says
“Happy baby!”
to the Customer the Chef is behind her. When the scene immediately
cuts to Carol, the Chef is behind Carol, several feet away from where
he was a second ago.

Oops!
When
Carol’s torn map is pushed offstage, a portion of it falls on the
floor and stays there while Alda enters. During the next few lines,
someone slowly drags it off stage.  

Sitcom Logic Alert! It
is odd that when Carol knocks Lucy’s index cards out of her hands,
Lucy doesn’t simply pick them up!  

Halfsies?  Since the contest is a tie, it is unclear how they will divide up the typewriter.

“Lucy Competes with Carol Burnett” rates 4 Paper Hearts out of 5 

Any
episode with Carol Burnett is great fun to watch. Burnett had been
doing her own show for more than two years and her confidence and
comic timing are honed to perfection. Her evil eye to the cashier in
the cafeteria is so funny that the studio audience bursts into
applause thanks to Burnett’s extended take. Retrospectively, it is
interesting that the casting of the other three finalists is so
racially diverse. It is probably
intentional that the contest winner are the two minority contestants.
Later that year, the first African-American would compete in The
Miss America Pageant, so Lucy is ahead of the times!