ORSON WELLES RADIO ALMANAC

March 9, 1944

“Orson Welles Almanac” (1944) is a CBS Radio series directed and hosted by Orson Welles. Broadcast live in California and Arizona via CBS West Coast studios, the 30-minute program was heard Wednesdays at 9:30pm beginning January 26, 1944. Its last broadcast was July 19, 1944. Orson Welles Almanac presented readings from classic works, drama, music, sketch comedy, magic, mindreading, and personal commentary by Welles.

Many of the shows originated from US Army camps where Welles entertained the troops. Welles had an ongoing battle with the program’s sponsor, Mobil Oil, which shortened the life of the series. Twenty six broadcasts were produced; all but four shows have survived.

This is the seventh episode of the series, aired on March 9, 1944. Previous guests were Groucho Marx, Lionel Barrymore, Ann Sothern, Robert Benchley, Hedda Hopper, and Victor Moore.  Lucille Ball would return to the series to guest star on May 3, 1944. Unfortunately, this is one of the four lost episodes.  

CAST

Lucille Ball (Guest Star) was then filming Ziegfeld Follies for release in 1945.  Her films Best Foot Forward and Thousands Cheer (both released in 1943) were then in local cinemas. Ball was in her fourth year of a rocky marriage to Desi Arnaz, who she would divorce in September 1944, although the papers were never officially filed. The week prior to this broadcast, Ball guest starred on Bing Crosby’s radio show “Music Hall”.  

Orson Welles arrived in Hollywood in 1939 when Ball was a contract player at RKO Studios. To squelch rumors that he was a homosexual, the studio sent Lucy to escort him to a premiere to be photographed. He later recalled,

“We went to see the opening of some movie or other—I simply picked her up at her house and we went to the movie and got photographed and came home and I said ‘Good night,’ and that was the end of that. That was the end of that romance, but it was the beginning of a long friendship.”

A veteran of the theatre, in 1941 the actor / director completed his magnum opus film Citizen Kane. In the 1950s he was under contract to Desilu to film a pilot for an anthology series called “The Fountain of Youth,” which wasn’t aired until 1958 and did not result in a series. Despite that, it won a Peabody Award, the only pilot to ever do so.

On February 5, 1956 Lucy and Desi appeared with Welles on Ed Sullivan’s “Toast of the Town.” They were there to promote their film Forever Darling. Welles was there to promote his revival of his King Lear at New York’s City Center, which he initially performed in a wheelchair due to injuries to both ankles. By the time he performed it on “Toast of the Town” (aka “The Ed Sullivan Show”) Welles was using a crutch.

When the Oscar-winning actor and director was down on his luck he was invited to stay in the Arnaz guest cottage. Notorious for his drinking and rude behavior, Lucy had to find a way to politely get rid of her guest so she decided to have an episode of “I Love Lucy” written for him so she could pay him a salary. With that in mind, Desilu paid him the exorbitant sum of $15,000!  Ball’s memories of Welles were mixed. “I had a real love-hate relationship with Orson,” she said towards the end of her life. “His mind was awesome…but he was also a pain in the ass.”

At the time of this broadcast (March 8, 1944) Welles’ film Jane Eyre was playing in cinemas. 

Ella Mae Morse (Musical Guest) was signed by Jimmy Dorsey at the age of 14 (she lied about her age and said she was 19) and was subsequently fired after discovering the truth about her age.

Her recording of “Cow Cow Boogie” was the first million-selling single for Capitol Records in 1942. Her biggest hit was “The Blacksmith Blues” released in February 1952. The song she sings here, “Shoo-Shoo Baby” (written by Phil Moore), would be heard in the about-to-be-released film South of Dixie in which she played Barbara Ann Morgan.  

Agnes Moorehead (Prudence Pratt / Miss Grimace / Swoon Club Girl) was a member of Welles’ Mercury Theatre on stage and radio as well as starring in Welles’ films Citizen Kane and The Magnificent Ambersons. She is best remembered as Endora, Samantha’s mother-in-law on TV’s “Bewitched”. 

Hans Conried (Colonel Peabristle / Hotel Operator / Frenchman / Dr. Snake Oil / Flat Top) first co-starred with Lucille Ball in The Big Street (1942). After being a recurring guest on her radio show “My Favorite Husband” (1948-51), he appeared on “I Love Lucy” as used furniture man Dan Jenkins in “Redecorating” (ILL S2;E8) and later that same season as Percy Livermore in “Lucy Hires an English Tutor” (ILL S2;E13) – both in 1952. The following year he began an association with Disney by voicing Captain Hook in Peter Pan. On “The Lucy Show” he played Professor Gitterman in “Lucy’s Barbershop Quartet” (TLS S1;E19) and in “Lucy Plays Cleopatra” (TLS S2;E1). He was probably best known as Uncle Tonoose on “Make Room for Daddy” starring Danny Thomas, which was filmed on the Desilu lot. He joined Thomas on a season 6 episode of “Here’s Lucy” in 1973.

The All-Star Jazz Group: Mutt Carey (trumpet), Kid Ory (trombone), Jimmy Noone (clarinet), Buster Wilson (piano), Bud Scott (guitar), Ed Garland (bass), and Zutty Singleton (drums). 

John McIntire (Announcer) 

EPISODE

Orson Welles introduces the episode, opening with a Household Hint by Prudence Pratt and a Wonders of Science fact by Colonel Peabristle. After the opening music and Mobil Oil sponsorship message, Welles summons his secretary Miss Grimace to tell him who is on the show tonight. She reports that it is Miss Lucille Ball, although she hasn’t arrived yet.  Welles says she is filing her tax forms. 

WELLES: “Can you imagine. The Government wants Lucille Ball to fill in HER form!” 

Miss Grimace admits the three members of The Orson Welles Swoon Club.  Welles interrogates them as to their whereabouts during his public appearances. He wants new members, promising them nylons.   

Oops!  Welles mis-reads the script, saying “nylon baby socks” instead of “nylon bobby sox”. He corrects himself with a laugh and says “For me, it’s booby socks!” 

Bobby soxer is a term for the wildly enthusiastic, teenage female fans of 1940s music, particularly Frank Sinatra.

Orson wants to know if they have gotten the new photographs he sent them. One of the Swoon Club compliments him on how he looks in his sarong – mistaking him for Dororthy Lamour in a Bob Hope / Bing Crosby picture. 

Dorothy Lamour was nicknamed ‘The Sarong Girl’. In 1936 she donned her soon-to-be-famous sarong for her debut at Paramount, The Jungle Princess (1936), and continued to play similar parts through the war years and beyond. The most famous of these was in the popular Bob Hope / Bing Crosby “Road” pictures – a combination of adventure, music, and slapstick.

The Swoon Club feel sorry for Orson that he hasn’t won an Oscar, so they knit him a tie – which started out as a pair of socks.He dismisses the club.  

When the 16th Academy Awards were distributed at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre on Thursday, March 2, 1944, neither of Welles’ 1943 motion pictures were among the nominees: Jane Eyre and Journey Into Fear, which he also co-directed and co-wrote. Welles shared a 1942 Oscar with Herman Mankiewicz for writing Citizen Kane, a bone of contention between them, since Mankiewicz later claimed he wrote the entire script. The backstory is explored in the modern film Mank (2020). 

Miss Grimace reports that the Hotel Carlton is suing him. After he did a magic show there, the two rabbits ran rampant and did damage! Orson calls the hotel operator (Hans Conried) and learns that the hotel is now called the Carlton Rabbit Farm and the manager’s eyes have turned pink! 

Welles asks Miss Grimace to send Lucille Ball roses. Miss Grimace says they are too expensive and he should send her something simpler, like phoenicia vulgaris. Welles says no because it sounds too dirty.  

Here Welles ad libs, causing Agnes Moorehead to break character and laugh. He mentions Lewis Titterton, the NBC censor and says “If you had a name like Louis Titterton anything would sound dirty. Let’s get back to the script.”  They try, but it takes a moment for their laughter to subside. 

A Frenchman from a reducing salon (Hans Conried) approaches him for an estimate on a new body. He measures Welles’ body with a tape measure. He was once the girdle coordinator at Bullocks basement for 15 years. 

FRENCHMAN: “If a size 44 tries to get into a 38, I help push!”

Announcer John McIntire does a live commercial for Mobilgas with some driving tips.  

PART 2

Before a musical introduction, Dr. Snake Oil (Hans Conried) gives a tip about dislodging a fishbone caught in the throat. 

The All-Star Jazz Group plays "Bésame Mucho“ ("Kiss me a lot”), a song written in 1940 by Consuelo Velázquez. It is now considered one of the most popular songs of the 20th century and of all times. It is also the most recorded and covered song in Spanish of all time. 

Welles welcomes Lucille Ball to the show to studio audience applause. Welles says he’s written a sketch full of romantic love scenes. Orson improvs a commercial for a sponsor Krunchies, a noisy breakfast cereal that gets soggy in milk. He introduces…

“THE CASE OF THE BLUE BLOOD STAIN”

Orson plays Mickey, a detective on his night off, reading the evening paper. Lucy plays his adoring wife, Dora. 

DORA: “Mickey, where were you last night?”
MICKEY: “Don’t be silly, you know how I feel about you. You’re the eighth wonder of the world.”
DORA: “Yeah, well, just don’t let me catch you with the other seven, bub!” 

Lounging in bed, Dora feels a cold hand which doesn’t belong to Mickey. She screams! There’s a dead man in their bed. 

MICKEY: “You know how difficult it is to find a room these days.”

DORA: “Must have been an inside job.”

They push the body off the bed and decide to turn out the lights and go to sleep.  In the darkness, they hear a squeaky door. 

WELLES (aside): “Fine thing, a squeaky door in an oil program!” 

The audience loudly applauds this ad-lib by Welles, and even Lucy chuckles.

Dora insists there’s someone in the closet. A body falls out of the closet and onto the floor with a loud thud. Someone throws a rock through their bedroom window with a note on it. 

Except the sound effect of broken glass does not happen. Welles laughs a bit but forges ahead. 

MICKEY (reading the note): “Keep your mouth shut and throw a thousand dollars out of the window or you’ll never get another sounds effect…no, excuse me… or they’ll be four bodies in your room.”

MICKEY (reading the note): "PS: I’ll settle for $950.” 

MICKEY: “That must be the murderer. Come in!  I’ll take that line again: That must be the murderer. Come in!”

The man, Flat Top (Hans Conried), pulls a gun on them and threatens to shoot.  

DORA: “Where’s your patriotism? You can’t shoot him. Don’t you know the government is trying to save waste fats?” 

During World War II, the US government urged Americans to save excess fat rendered from cooking and donate it to the army to produce explosives. Fats are used to make glycerin, and glycerin is used to make things blow up.

As gunfire rings out, Welles does a Krunchies commercial, extolling their virtues with strawberries and cream.

WELLES: “You can have strawberries and cream. What do you need Krunchies for?”

Mickey is bleeding. During the commercial, Mickey has hit Flat Top on the head and called the police!  

John McIntire does a commercial for Mobil Oil. He urges motorists to keep their car oil clean to avoid repairs. 

PART THREE  

The song was also heard in the 1944 film Follow The Boys aka Three Cheers for the Boys sung by the Andrews Sisters. 

Welles then takes a serious tone, dedicating the show to the premise that ‘every man belongs to all men.’ He reads from “Meditation 17″ by John Donne (1572-1631). 

Nunc Lento Sonitu Dicunt, Morieris. Now this bell, tolling softly for another, says to me, Thou must die. 

All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated; God employs several translators; some pieces are translated by age, some by sickness, some by war, some by justice; but God’s hand is in every translation, and his hand shall bind up all our scattered leaves again for that library where every book shall lie open to one another. And therefore the bell that rings to a sermon calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come, so this bell calls us all; 
Who bends not his ear to any bell which upon any occasion rings? But who can remove it from that bell which is passing a piece of himself out of this world?

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend’s or of thine own were: any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

Welles bids the audience goodnight.