LUCY THE CRUSADER

S3;E5
~ October 12, 1970

Directed
by Herbert Kenwith ~ Written by Milt Josefsberg and Al Schwartz

Synopsis

When
Lucy buys Craig a stereo for his birthday, it turns out to be a
lemon. Lucy goes on a crusade to have the manufacturer honor their
guarantee at the point of sale.

Regular
Cast

Lucille
Ball (Lucy
Carter), Gale
Gordon (Harrison
Otis Carter), Desi
Arnaz Jr. (Craig
Carter), Lucie
Arnaz (Kim
Carter)

Guest
Cast

Charles
Nelson Reilly
(Elroy P. Clunk) started acting off-Broadway in the 1950s and made
his Broadway debut in 1960’s Bye Bye Birdie. He also created roles
in How To Succeed... and Hello, Dolly! On TV his first regular role
was as Claymore Gregg in “The Ghost and Mrs. Muir,” which ended
its two-season run in 1970. Reilly is perhaps best remembered as a
panelist on the game show “Match Game.” He did a week of shows
with Lucille Ball on the game show “Body Language” in 1984.
Charles Nelson Reilly died in 2007.

John
J. “Red” Fox (Mr.
Fox, Salesman) was best known for playing policemen, which is what he
did on five of his eight appearances on “The Lucy Show” as well
as three of his five episodes of “Here’s Lucy.”
This is one of two exceptions!

Fox
is trying to sell Lucy and Harry the Jiffy Jolly Adding Machine.

Carole
Cook
(Mrs. Sheila Kasten) played
Thelma Green on “The Lucy Show” as well as many other characters.
She was a protege of Lucille Ball’s during the Desilu Playhouse
years. Although born as Mildred Cook, Ball suggested she take the
name Carole, in honor of Lucy’s great friend, Carole Lombard. Cook
appeared in five episodes of “Here’s Lucy.”

The
character’s surname was also the name of Phil Silvers’ character in
“Lucy and the Efficiency Expert” (TLS S5;E13). Cook purchased a
faulty toaster made by the Prime Ultrasonics Company.

Kathleen
Hughes
(Mrs. Clara Portnoy) makes her only appearance with Lucille Ball, but
did three episodes of “The Ghost and Mrs. Muir” with Charles
Nelson Reilly as Mrs. Coburn.

When
Lucy asks for complaints, Clara stands up. The
character is likely named after the principal character in the
controversial 1969 novel by Philip Roth, Portnoy’s
Complaint (inset).
The character purchased a malfunctioning garage door opener from the
Prime Ultrasonics Company.

Bob
Hastings
(Martin Phillips) was a character actor who turned to voice acting
toward the end of his career. He was featured in four of the
“Batman” television projects, mostly as Commissioner Gordon.

Phillips
complains about a doll that is supposed to walk, talk, and wet. It
only does two of the three properly. (Guess which one doesn’t operate
as promised!)

Leoda
Richards
(Woman at Lucy’s Complaints Meeting, uncredited) made
at least three background appearances on “I Love Lucy.” She was
in four episodes of “The Lucy Show” and was also in the Lucille
Ball film Yours,
Mine and Ours (1968).
This is the first of her two “Here’s Lucy” episodes. Her main
claim to fame is her appearance at the party given by Captain Von
Trapp in The
Sound of Music,
standing next to Christopher Plummer during the song “So Long,
Farewell.”

Richards
is the grey-haired woman sitting behind Carole Cook.

Jerome
Cowan (Mr.
Gary, Chairman of the Board of Prime Ultrasonics Company) had
appeared with Lucille Ball in The
Fuller Brush Girl (1950)
and Critic’s Choice (1963). He was featured in such films as 1947’s Miracle
on 34th Street (with
William Frawley) and as Miles Archer in 1941’s The
Maltese Falcon.
He appeared in one episode of “The Lucy Show” in 1966. This is
his only “Here’s Lucy” appearance.

The
character is credited as Mr. Gary, but his name is never spoken in
the dialogue.

Don
Briggs
(Mr. Huntington, Stockholder) starred
with Lucille Ball in the 1939 film Panama
Lady.
He played the recurring character of Eddie Collins for seven episodes
on season one of “The Lucy Show.” This is his only role on
“Here’s Lucy.” Briggs died in 1986 at the age of 75.

Mr.
Huntington is the only stockholder to speak at the meeting.

The Prime Ultrasonics Stockholders (all uncredited) are played by:

Leon
Alton
appeared
with Lucille Ball in The
Facts of Life (1960)
and Critic’s
Choice (1963).
He was in two episodes of “The Lucy Show.” This is the first of
his three episodes of “Here’s Lucy.”

Jack
Berle
was
the older brother of Milton Berle. This is just one of his
eleven uncredited appearances on the series. He also did two
episodes of “The Lucy Show.”

Paul
Bradley made
his six appearances on “The Lucy Show” in various roles. This is
the first of his two episodes of “Here’s Lucy.”

George
DeNormand
appeared
in three films with Lucille Ball from 1937 to 1963. This is the just
one of his many appearances on “The Lucy Show” and “Here’s
Lucy.”

Frieda
Rentie
makes the first of her two uncredited appearances on the series.
Rentie was in the original 1958 film of South
Pacific
and in 1972’s The
Poseidon Adventure.

Walter
Smith
makes the second of his 13 mostly uncredited appearances on the
series. He also did one episode of “The Lucy Show.”

Owen
Song was
an uncredited extra in the 1955 film Blood
Alley,
which was promoted by its star John Wayne on “I Love Lucy,”
including the film’s poster. He was a native Hawaiian. This
is his only series appearance.

The
other people at Lucy’s complaints meeting, customers and employees at the complaints department, and the rest of the PU stockholders are played by uncredited background performers.

This episode was originally aired (probably unintentionally) on Columbus Day, a holiday known for retailers offering Columbus Day Sales.

The final draft of the script was dated January 15, 1970, although there were several changes to the final shooting script after this date.

The
episode is introduced on the series DVD by Carole
Cook,
who was a friend of both Lucille Ball and Charles Nelson Reilly. She
remembers that at the table read (rehearsal) Lucy barked “Good
joke! Wrong place!”

Lucy
(about Craig’s birthday present): It’s
something you’ve always wanted.
Craig:
Raquel
Welch?

“Here’s
Lucy” usually mentions Raquel
Welch
when they want to reference a Hollywood sex symbol. Welch was first
mentioned in “Lucy Visits Jack Benny” (S1;E2) and
most recently in “Lucy and the Drum Contest (S3;E4). In April 1970 Welch hosted her own TV special “Raquel!”

When
Craig and Kim test out the stereo, they use the album “Pretty
Country” by
the Billy Vaughn Singers (1964). William Richard Vaughn (1919-91)
was a versatile singer and bandleader whose 1954 hit “Melody of
Love” hit #2 on the Billboard charts. The album cover is used but the title is never spoken and the sped-up audio is indecipherable.

In the original script, the album Kim selects is “Stomp Your Feet Till Your Eyes Pop Out” by the new group Peter Paul & Spiro. Needless to say, this is a fictional recording that proved too silly for Lucille Ball and was cut. The group is a mash-up of Peter Paul & Mary and then vice-president Spiro Agnew. The musical trio broke up in 1970 to pursue solo careers, so doubtless these two names were on the writers’ minds.

In
order to get the shot of Elroy P. Clunk looking through the giant
magnifying glass,
the camera position had to be changed which required an insert shot
created out of sequence with the scene.

Scene 3 opens at the Unique Employment Agency. In the original script, a secretary named Mimi was signing Lucy’s petition, the 23rd secretary in the building to do so. The character was cut and the scene now begins with Lucy begging Harry to sign the petition. In the rewritten scene Lucy tells Harry she only has 19 signatures, not 23.

Lucy’s exploding electric typewriter was made in Japan, but not by Prime Ultrasonics Company.

During an informal neighborhood complaint forum in Lucy’s living room, Harry
rushes in to complain about his new TV which mixes up the channels.
He says “I just saw the flying nun self destruct in five seconds!”
“The Flying Nun” (1967-70) was a TV series that featured Sally
Field as a nun who’s pelican-like cornet allowed a stiff breeze to
lift her into the air. The show has been mentioned on several
previous “Here’s Lucy” episodes. On TV’s “Mission:
Impossible”
(1966-73) nearly all episodes featured instructions which played on
a mini tape recorder that self destructed five seconds after
finishing. The show was parodied in “Lucy’s Impossible Mission”
(S1;E6).

In the original script, Harry then goes on to mention that James Arness shot a woman on “Gunsmoke”. Lucy calmly offers that maybe she deserved it, to which Harry incredulously replies “Doris Day?!?” Arness played Matt Dillon on “Gunsmoke” which was “Here’s Lucy’s” lead-in on CBS. “Lucy” shared the 8 o’clock hour with “Mayberry R.F.D.” but at 9 o’clock, “The Doris Day Show” was on.

When
Mr. Phillips demonstrates that the doll
wets
through its ears, naturally Harry is right in the line of fire!

The
gag is repeated at the end of the episode. Although Harry thinks the
doll will squirt through her ears and hit Mr. Gary, it squirts
through the mouth hitting Harry square in the face. Anytime there is
water, Harry will end up wet!

Kim
and Craig rush into the complaints meeting to report that Steve March
just bought a new electric guitar made by the Prime Ultrasonics
Company that has short-circuited singing his hair. Steve
March is
the son
of Mel Torme and the adopted son of the Arnaz family’s friend, Hal
March. Steve March appear in “Lucy
and the Bogie Affair” (S2;E13) and
“Lucy and Sammy Davis Jr.” (S3;E3, above). He also wrote the song
“Country Magic” for “Lucy
and Ann-Margret” (S2;E20). In the original script, his surname was not mentioned and Craig observed that he now looks like “Yul Brynner with sideburns” which was a bit of a giveaway about the visual humor to come (see below), so the line was cut.

At
the Stockholders Meeting, Lucy, Harry and Elroy P. Clunk display an
array of Prime Ultrasonics’ malfunctioning products:

An instant
camera that pops its lens
A
flexible lamp that that doesn’t stay up
A
long-distance golf ball that drops and doesn’t bounce
A
hair dryer that eats the hair off the head (above)
A
miniature vacuum cleaner that exhales instead of inhales
And
finally Mr. Gary’s own hearing aid!

Lucy
Ricardo had trouble with returning defective merchandise she bought from the
Handy Dandy Company in “Sales Resistance” (ILL S2;E17).

A
record player that plays at super speed was a problem for Lucy
Ricardo when singing “Mamãe
Eu Quero”
in “Be A Pal” (ILL S1;E2).

Toasters
have long been a favorite prop of Lucille Ball’s. One of the most
repeated gags on “I Love Lucy” and “The Lucy Show” was
catching the toast mid-air after it popped up!

FAST FORWARD!

During the worldwide Corona Virus pandemic of 2020, Broadway and Hollywood actors practicing quarantine and social distancing put together a tribute to this episode, led by John Tracey Eagan. It starred stay-at-home stars Klea Blackhurst (Lucy), Jennifer Simard (Kim), John Stamos (Craig), and Brad Oscar as Harry. Special appearances by Coco Peru, Richard Kind, Jonathan Freeman, Michael Kostroff, Stanley Bojarski, and Christine Pedi.

Where Do I Work? Although Elroy P. Clunk is the manager of a complaints department, it is never specified where he works. The original script describes the store as being like “Akron, Korvettes, or White Front”.

Age Check! The
last time Craig celebrated a birthday (on camera) was in March 1969.
He turned 16. Here, in October 1970, he is 18. At the time this
episode was first aired, Desi Arnaz Jr. was actually 17.

Maker’s Mark! Although
the faulty stereo is supposed to by made by the Prime Ultrasonics
Company (PU), the interior of the unit says Magnavox.

Fore! The
only product that doesn’t fit the profile of an electronics company
is the non-bouncing golf ball.

Where the Floor Ends! Yet another example of the camera pulling back a bit too far and exposing the concrete soundstage floor.